Like I said, I love to get things in the mail. What I love more is when something happens when I get the mail so that I have something to tell you guys about.
I have no shame and dumb things happen to me all the time.
So I go to my mailbox which is stuffed full of –what else- mail. I take out my little yellow card and go over to the desk to get my package.
I am so much like a little kid when someone hands me a package. It could be because Brother and I were raised Jehovah’s Witnesses and have no package opening etiquette because there were no holidays in our house, I don’t know.
When the girl behind the desk handed me my little package, I was giggly-giddy.
No shit, I really was. I was bouncing because I wasn’t expecting anything and here I was holding a surprise.
“What is it? What is it? What is it?” I was repeating to the girl standing behind the counter while I was trying to get it open because I was so flipping excited.
She didn’t know. She had to wait for me to get it open.
I don’t know how those people do their jobs without going bat shit. I can’t stand not knowing what's inside something. It’s probably a good thing I’m a writer and not a doctor. People would come in for a simple tonsillectomy and I’d probably perform a complete autopsy.
I’ve just got to know.
I didn’t read the outside of the package to see who it was from (because that slows things down) and I don’t know if it’s okay for me to say who or where it’s from yet. I know this person reads my blog so I’m sure she’ll email me and let me know then I’ll let you know what’s okay to know.
You know?
Are you sitting there thinking “hurry the hell up and tell me what was in the package?”
I believe we are kindred souls then, huh?
Okay, so I was standing (bouncing) there ripping the package open as fast as I could when 11 condoms fell out onto the counter.
The girl probably thought I was the horniest person she had come across all day.
I mean, my God! Wouldn’t you? The bouncing, the giggly-giddy, the excitement? Doesn’t that kind of add up to horny?
Okay, so here is what we have to review. Why? Here's why.
I’m reviewing the outside packages, don’t panic.
Five of them have funny pictures on them. Now to me, this makes much more sense than ‘Always Pads’ and their bullshit logo of “Have a happy period.”
Have a happy- go fry your ass, okay?
First set of pictures: (BROTHER WILL FIX THESE PICTURES LATER)
1) So starting at the top we have a package with a couple of gold fish on them with a caption that says ‘great catch’.
Goldfish are ALMOST the smallest fish there are, right? That seems a little unkind to the guy to me.
2) Clockwise to the right we have a dock that has a caption of ‘paradise’. My first thought was it was kind of lame until I noticed how long the dock was. I was okay with it then.
3) Bottom right is my favorite, a rocket ship taking off with a 3, 2, ONE countdown. It sort of symbolizes to me a ‘wham-bam, thank you madam’ thing. Make it fast but make it good, I’ve got other things to do.
4) Green apples and the caption ‘Tart’. What the hell? I don’t get that? What’s tart? Should someone be taking a test in a clinic or something? Is she tart? Is he tart? I don’t want my bits and pieces being thought of as tart so I can imagine a guy probably doesn’t either.
Wait, I’ll make a quick call to Brother and find out. Hold on a second.
One ringy-dingy.
Two ringy-dingy.
Three ring….voice mail.
I’ll text him. He answers faster to that anyway.
“Do you want your penis being thought of as tart?”
“Um……………WHAT!?!?!?!?!”
I’ll take that as a “no’ and leave him wondering for a while what that question was all about.
He should have answered the damn phone when I called him.
5) Rubber ducky with the caption ‘You’re the one’. That screams pedophile to me.
Second set of pictures:
Moving on now- Sorry for the blurry picture
On the right we have your basic Trojan condom, which- oddly enough was my high school mascot.
Did I mention I was a teenage mother?
On the left, we have a Beyond Seven sheerlon latex male condom.
That’s exactly what it says. I don’t know why they need to put ‘male’ condom on it; condoms don’t exactly fit on female genitalia. I know there are female condoms but wouldn’t the packaging be different? Has a guy ever gone to the store and accidentally bought a female condom? Is this a problem that needed to be addressed clearly?
And seven what? Minutes? Inches? Ounces? Oh my god, gallons??
I’m not even in the mood for the sheerlon thing.
Third picture:
This condom has a picture of a red heart with devil horns on it. This is the official condoms for people who are having affairs. I got that one right away.
Last set of pictures:
Okay, these are the coolest. They are the flavored one. Or I guess I need to say ALLEGEDLY flavored ones- chocolate and banana.
You could get really gross with those two particular flavors if you over-think them.
But I won’t.
“Del, if I open this will you taste it and see if it really tastes like chocolate?” I asked.
No response- just a horrified look on his face.
I turned to Brother and asked “Brother, will you?”
“I’m with him on that one. Let the record show I went to my grave having NEVER put a condom in my mouth. I have a bowl of Kit Kats left from Halloween if you need a chocolate fix.” He said.
“Come on, just do it.” I plead.
“No.”
“Please?”
“Go to hell. Why don’t YOU do it?” He asked me.
“Because it might….ah, interfere with my medications.” I said like that was my ticket out of doing it.
“Yeah? What are you taking?” He asked because he is the little brother and an enormous pain in my ass.
“Something that interacts badly with chocolate flavored condoms, I’m sure.” I said.
“Which would be….”
“Advil?” I said.
“If you want to know, you’re on your own.” He said.
I’m going to find out but I’m not the one who’s going to have to taste them. I am the old married lady. I don’t have any need for condoms anymore. I do happen to know two other ladies who are dating people I know and I’m sure they will tell me.
Right Pixie?
Right Alicia?
Oh look, I win again.
Actually, everyone won on that one, wouldn’t you say?
LYMI!
